Falling Into Fear
by unicornsrock5
Summary: Eli is left in a rather dark place after the mid-season finale. Here we see his thoughts and maybe get some hope. It's rather angsty and was really fun to write.


AN: I've been trying to write this really cute, fluffy piece but I recently have been in a rather dark place. So writing fluffy isn't really possible right now. I decided to get my feelings out on paper. It occurred to me that this would work rather well with Eli, and the place he's in right now. So here is an angst ridden, dark Eli just for you. Oh this is my first Angst piece just a warning.

Disclaimer: I don't own Eli I promise. I mean it would be lovely to but it's just not fact.

He watched her walk away from him (from them), get in the car and drive away (with his whole world). He turned to stare dejectedly at the empty space she had just been standing. (Right next to him, were he needed her.) Sensing that this might not be the best place for his emotions to get the better of him; he headed to his car and got in. He sat there, waiting. He doesn't know for how long. Time didn't really seem important at that moment.

When it finally hit him. Just how close he had been to death. The words Clare had spoken last to him, and more importantly whose fault this all was. When all that finally hit him and really sunk in. It felt like someone was pressing something against his heart. Painfully restricting his heartbeat and his breathing. (Restricting everything he needed to get through this.) He clutched his chest as he felt tears fall down his face. The sensation of the ground opening up beneath his feet and being sucked down into the earth. Down into an endless dark pit, constantly falling. A hundred ton weight pulling him down faster and faster.

He had felt this way before. It had scared him then and it terrified him now. He thought he was better. He thought he was finally okay, on his way to even good. He knew great was impossible for him to reach (he wasn't the kind of guy great was made for.) Good might be improbable but he could just see it around the corner. He seemed to have to settle for only ever achieving a steady sense of okay. A feeling that was long gone now. He wished for okay with ever fiber of his being as his tears escalated to sobs. Sobs that left him gasping for air with a sense of hopelessness.

He was falling, just falling. There was no end in sight. He was surrounded by his own pain, and that darkness. A darkness that was all consuming. A blackness he had been surrounded by after Julia. Then he had welcomed it, (black is his favorite color after all.) Now all he wanted was to be far, far away from his head and all these emotions. He was so afraid. He hated himself. It was all his fault. Thoughts full of regret and a sense of irony soon clouded his ming. He let out a strangled, slightly hysterical laugh. He knew it would end this way. He was weak. He had predicted this the very moment those blue eyes had crossed his path.

All he wanted to do was protect her from the pain and cruelty of the world. It was his job to make sure she stayed safe and out of harms way. He couldn't though. He hated that he couldn't stop the world. What killed him though, was that this one, he could have prevented. The latest event to shake her up and leave her in tears was all his fault.

If he had listened to her from the start he wouldn't be sitting in his car alone (so very alone) breaking down. He was a mess, a complete and total failure. His whole world had just walked away and he could have prevented it.

His mind was in a spiral of endless self hate and pity. He could practically see his and Clare's relationship laid out in the back of his Hearse. Darkness surrounded him and he didn't bother to fight it. Every breath was hard to take in. He was so scared. He felt so lonely.

His whirling mind continued to spiral with negative energy when a single thought entered his mind. This thought almost bringing everything to a complete stop. It could be worse, she could be dead. He repeated that to himself for a while. Just letting the relief sink in. The falling sensation was starting to slow down a little. (He wasn't going to let it win.) Then he let another thought sneak in. He was capable of change. He continued to ponder this. He had been depressed. He had pulled himself out of that hole. He could pull himself out of all that violence. He could destroy his violent streak if it meant keeping a tiny part of Clare in his life. Not letting his mind rush ahead into more positive thoughts.

Just taking it slowly. There was a chance. His sobs slowed down to a steady stream of tears. Then a heart stopping thought crossed his mind. She hadn't said it was over! His mind went into overdrive. If he didn't ever do this again, she could stay his. He was alive and she was alive. He could change and he would be the victor in this new personal war against violence and had two weeks of break for them to deal with this recent trauma. He could give her two weeks. (Give himself two weeks.) Then talk to her.

Self doubt started to creep in. A lot can happen in two weeks. She could change her mind (about him). The despair was back. She could meet someone new. He took a deep breath and tried to clear his head. Knowing that he was in for an emotional roller coaster until they were back at school. He pushed his thoughts out of his mind and settled into a much practiced blank state of mind. He just had to make it home. Then he could over analyze, despair and hope till he passed out from shear exhaustion.

That was his punishment for ruining things, for messing up so completely. Two weeks in emotional limbo. He sighed as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

AN: There you go. Now that this is out of my system maybe I can go back to writing some adorableness. I just needed to get that out. I know everyone's been doing these. It's just I've kinda suffered from bouts of depression. Mini depression and its scary. I thought I was better and it came back like 4 years later. It scared the crap out of me. I'm still scared but I'm hoping that just getting these emotions out will help. Let me know what you think.

Oh sidebar here. There is this song, Needing/Getting by OK Go and it total fits where the mid-season finale left Clare and Eli. "Needing is one thing but getting another" direct quote from song. They need each other but they don't really think they can have each other. You know get to the getting part of the relationship. Although I think neither realize that they need each other. They just know they want each other. Any way. Enough ramblings from me. Check the song out its a good song.

I'm outtie!  
unicornsrock5


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